I've been going to AWA Chat on Thursday mornings the past couple of weeks, since Nicole and Cody left. This is an informal gathering AWA hosts to help expat ladies meet other expats and get to know more people in Hong Kong. I figure it’s a good deed I can do now before I get too busy with other activities. It's reassuring to newbies to hear from ladies that have been in Hong Kong for several (or many) years. It helps them realize that this experience is doable, maybe even enjoyable, maybe even life-changing and mindblowingly amazing.
Anyway at lunch after Chat someone asked a newcomer how long she thought she would be in Hong Kong, and the newcomer replied with the standard "a couple of years" answer. Another lady sitting next to her said. "You really shouldn't answer like that. People that have been here a long time are going to shy away from being friends with you, because they don't want to get their hearts broken again."
I know this lady was just speaking for herself, but silently I disagreed with her. There's just no reassurance here that anyone is going to be here next month, let alone next year. I’ve recently seen someone leave suddenly that had been in Hong Kong for seventeen years! They had no idea that they were ever going to leave, until a new business opportunity presented itself to her husband. They had even bought a condo in Thailand. If you're looking for a long term friendship commitment here you might as well stay home.
I'm sad when people I know and have grown to like and love leave HK. But I don't necessarily feel like I've lost them forever, just that our relationship has gone into a new phase. Part of me thinks – “Cool! I have a friend now in Belgium!” And new people show up all the time, maybe one of them will become my friend. Plus, there are all the people I know casually but haven't bothered to get to know better. Maybe I will decide to deepen my friendship with them.
I know part of the difference for me is that I don’t need to have someone to do things with all the time. I like doing things by myself. I enjoy staying home alone. I cherish my friends, but I love my solitude too. Is this something that mothers learn once the nest is empty? We go through so many years of NEVER being alone. Some of us become starved for solitude. It’s like a deficit that needs to be filled.
Friendship is funny. It can be experienced on so many different levels. There the friendships I have with family members, who know me differently than anyone else. There are my old friends - Gail, Eugenie, Cathy, Lee Black, Sally Bass, that have known me so long and so well it’s like they know parts of me that don't even exist anymore. There are our couple friends, the UPT (Texas) ladies, 3M friends. And now I'm learning about expat friends, a whole new category.
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